Mumbai Local Trains

My guess is that, most of us living in India are well aware of what Mumbai local’s(suburban trains) are and the challenge that they present to humanity(In my definition of humans, I do exclude people who commute daily using Mumbai locals, as they are not humans but super humans as per me.).
My first experience of locals was when I was of a vibrant age of ten and nine. I had come over to Bombay ooops Mumbai (better change that before MNS issues a fatwa in my name) to meet a cousin of mine who was working there. Being a vagrant, hot blooded teen I actually dared the ticket checker on the whole trip by travelling without ticket in the first class. As to what I was thinking when I was doing that I am yet to figure out, all I know is that was the period when I sought thrill and adventure in whatever form I could. In those times consequences was something I didn’t care about and definition of “macho” meant doing something stupid. I took that trip more as a challenge than a routine and used my fists to my advantage while travelling in locals.
Lately I had the misfortune of again using the services of esteemed Indian railways in Mumbai. Having lost much of my youthful energies, being more mature and having grown old (Yes! 24 is old, kids now call me uncle, damm!) my experiences were different as I looked at predicament differently and it gave me better perspective of this whole thing considered the life line of Mumbai.
Let me start by saying, I hate travelling in locals! Wow that was brief. But I mean it I absolutely detest the abomination called locals of Mumbai. This is one of the major reason for which I have taken a vow to never work in Mumbai if I could avoid it. Call me a cynic or whatever else you want to for my honest opinion, but prefer to have a space wherever I stand or sit for that matter. I do not like sweaty, greasy bodies of the men sandwiching me, pushing and shoving me, no thank you I rather walk, if that was an option. I am also not a Homo for whom I am sure the experience in locals would be like that of a kid in candy store and he can grope and grab as many arse’s as he wishes without anyone raising an eyebrow at him.
If you think that ladies compartment/bogie is any better than my friends you are sadly mistaken. In fact to call those women ladies would actually not be correct, as Oxford dictionary describes a lady as “courteous and genteel woman”. Gentle is the last thing that they are as their punches would give Mike Tyson a run for his money. If you are a newcomer and you accidently board the bogie reserved for women, then boy you are deep shit as you will be greeted with a slew of choicest of jeers.
But you don’t escape the womenfolk by simply avoiding the reserved bogie. At times women accompanied by their male counterpart’s board the general bogie too. Now Indian women are known to prim and modest especially amongst men. But this notion doesn’t apply to womenfolk travelling in locals as they do not mind rubbing their bodies with men, get their buttocks and bosom squashed for gaining an inch of space. I am especially very wary of such situation as you never know when a woman may allege that you tried to make a sexual move at her even though that woman may be such, that a sexual thought for her would not cross your mind even after spending 20 years in a secluded island. But knowing Indian masses a woman’s word has more weightage than a man’s. And women use this mindset of hordes to their advantage wherever they can to nudge simple folks like me out of their way.
During the course of one of my travels aboard the abomination, when I was helplessly dangling between stinking armpits I heard an old gentleman convey to a youngster that he was travelling in the locals for the past 35 years. Wow! That fact was actually making that “senior citizen” proud as if it was some great achievement. Well I think it actually is an achievement to have accomplished what he did. Could I ever achieve that, nopes never, not in a million years. I would rather prefer to go back to my ancestral village and till the land, than use this abomination for locomotion.
Such is the pride associated with travelling in locals at peak time that many a times my friends living in Mumbai actually compare the difficult tasks in life with travelling in locals at particular time and route. Ex: “You know this one time I was so pissed with my boss that if it was upto me I would have put him at peak time on a local from Andheri to Dadar.” Boy do you believe that, the travel is actually a way of inducing torture to your enemies.
Here are some of the facts that I will like to point out about this whole system:
1. A person(mostly a newcomer) may sometimes think that he would let this one local pass as there were too many people ready to get on board and there is lot of rush in general. Fool, enjoy your 5 minutes of heaven because before you know when the next local is scheduled to come you will find an equal number of people surrounding you again ready to jump in if not more.
2. It does not matter if the local that is coming on to the platform empty, because people will still run and push each other to get on board. I mean I have actually seen this, one time while I was sitting in my bogie(that’s a rare occasion my friends trust me, sitting wow, like a dream come true) the train came to a halt at one of the million station. I am not kidding their must be at least 20-25 empty places and the 6-7 odd guys who boarded the train at that stop jumped in as if this was the last train to heaven. This phenomenon I must confess is not limited to Mumbai but is prevalent all across the nation. For an observer who’s just sitting casually on the platform the whole sight is like dogs chasing after a car.
3. If travelling in this death wagon was not enough, the sheer confusion of on which side the platform would come makes many a novice’s like me to shuttle between the two doors while people are just pushing you away on either side and miss the destination many a times.
4. It was here that I actually realized the importance of time, when I heard a passerby say he intended to catch a local scheduled for of 1.37 pm. 37 are you serious, such odd digit was never in my travel dictionary. It can be 1, 1.30 at max 1.15. But 37 what hell! One good thing that this system has done i.e made the people punctual.
5. For an individual to travel on a local with some luggage at rush hour is truly a feat appreciated by gods. Having experienced it let me tell you my friends it is not a pleasant experience but one that will haunt you. Your bag out of your sight lost ion the hordes of legs with only the last bit of your muscle clinging on to it and giving you a hope that its still is their.
6. There is no point ironing your clothes here, after all with such a multitude of individuals pushing and pulling, you can’t expect your crease to be intact and neither do you expect the fragrance of your new AXE deodorant to last as that fragrance is overcome by the stench of a thousand different types of sweat.
7. For a guy who’s not very tall sometimes the situation becomes very suffocating, especially if you are trapped a bit far away from either doors and on top of that in the event of discharge of flatulence, only the lord will be your savior.
I remember watching “The Amazing Race” on TV once, in which one of the couple participating had an option of choosing between travelling in locals and some other task. Poor simpletons they ignorantly chose to travel in locals without having a clue of what they were getting into. Well it resulted in the poor lady disembarking in the very first station that came after she boarded the train with tears in her eye, filled with fear and clinging to her hubby. Well what do expect when a hundred hands grab your butt and squash your assets.
I know I make it all sound scary but that’s how it is, with people precariously dangling on the doors, crossing tracks when the trains are approaching etc. Believe you me this whole affair is dangerous with occasional deaths taking place every now and then.
So the question the bottom-line is that if it’s as bad as I describe, why do people and even I still travel on it? Well the answer is pretty simple, there is no other fucking option. I hate to say this but locals are not only the cheapest but the fastest way to travel in Mumbai. This 5km distance on car may take 2 hr in some parts whereas 5 min in Locals. So you have speed and you got economy, the golden words that define the criteria for the selection of a mode of transport. No wonder everyday millions travel in Locals. So basically people do not have much option with them, I mean there are buses which are equally cheap but the time constraint is their. Although I hate to admit this but yes they are the best way to travel in Mumbai, only if there were not so many people.
Although I have said a lot of negative things about my experiences with local trains of Mumbai, but there are some good point’s associates with the human beings on boards these. Firstly I have seen and experienced this that at times when the train has pushed of from the station and you are still struggling to get on, people help you to get in squeezing their asses here and there. Also for a newbie like me who is not sure which train will come at which platform and when a particular station would come and on which side, one of the persons around you would be surely willing to help.
Hmmm, to conclude all I’ll say is I salute the people who travel in locals daily and till scientist device a mechanism for human beings to fly, locals would remain the “life line” of Mumbai.